Good news.

The movie marathon this sunday is CANCELLED. Weheeeeee~ Now I get to save $21! Gagagagagaga~

WHEEEEEE~*cough*

Look what I found in youtube!



It's a photo slideshow of the SMARTER kids, during the End-of-Year gathering last year. It was done by anakbrunei.org. I'm not in it, fortunately, but my brother (the bald-ish boy in the grey shirt at minute 1:57) my dad, (The man giving the speech at minute 1:44) and me other relatives are in it, too~! The other kids (that I remember) are Alice, Qayyum (he is soooo adorable), Abul, Adib, Farid Z, Mateen, Ayub...they're in it, too! (I can't remember the others T_T there were so many of them)

It's been a long time since I last went to the centre. But what I can remember from my poor memory is that the centre was filled with both chaos and fun. Noisy, yes. Stres, yes, when handling some of the new kids who aren't used to that environment too.

According to the video description, the secretary stated that they only have financial funds enough to last for eight more months. I don't know about the updated infos though, should ask my dad later, he's the treasurer. Surely you don't want SMARTER to close down now, do you? How are we suppose to train these kids to get adjusted to their surroundings? Come on, especially you working class people. Ok, what am I saying? I don;t help much in these stuff. But at least I;m promoting it right now, no? I really like the family activities they held every few months. Don't want that to stop, too.

I do admit that my brother had alot of improvements. And he can copy words too, now. Quite annoying, if you ask me, but improvement nevertheless. Hehe..Oh yeah, I still don't think that Brunei received enough exposure about Autism. Hmm...

/EDIT/ I didn't noticed that the timeline(or whatever you call it) is reversed in the videoclip when you post it in a blog, so my brother is actually a minute 1:57. hehe careless me

Dreams don't come true.

The school's annual cross-country is tommorow. And I'm sick. STILL FRIGGIN' SICK. I gave up my pride by eating TWO pills of panadol, and nothing happened. Ok, my maid said I should eat it DAILY to get the effect. But no way in hell am I going to do that, man. It was sooooo BITTER. T_T
I was so enthusiastic to run (okay half jog and half walk) last week, and the cross-country was one of my main motivations for the jogs I did the last two weeks. And now, I'm sick. Sigh. I'm depressed. Now I'm not even sure whether I can survive tommorow or not with all this coughings which just takes my breath away. And the weather seems kinda too hot these days. El-nino.....?

Honesty?

I am in a huge dilemma right now. My cousins wanted to bring me out today. But I can't since my father's not home. So my cousin replied, in a sarcastic tone, "This must be about her brother again. What about your mother?"

My inner reply was, "HELLO, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. YOU GUYS ARE NOT THE ONE WITH AN AUTISTIC BROTHER SO PLEASE FUCK OFF."

But nah, I just replied calmly, saying that my dad's not home, and my mum won't let me out without my dad.

Seriously, man. I don't expect them to suddenly become very understanding about my life's situation. They really don't get what my brother is all about. My brother has his own preferences. Which happens to be either my dad or me. Not my mum, not my other sisters or brother, and not my maids. They just don't get it. I wonder if they ever will. They think, "Ok, if your dad's not home, then let your mum take care of him. If your mum's not home, let the maids take care of him. No big deal."

No big deal, my ass.

Once, when I was planning to sleep at my grandpa's, and I was already at my grandpa's, while my dad was working the night shift, my mum had to pick me up at 12 midnight because my brother is practically crushing everything into pieces, due to me not being there. No, I'm not exaggarating. My mum lost two perfumes, one bottle of honey, and my little brother was almost suffocated. NOne of us got sleep that night, but I managed to calm him down. SEE? IT IS A FUCKING BIG DEAL.

What really pisses me off is how my cousins being such bitches about the whole thing.

I was never in the mood to go out anyway. Especially when it's the three of us. And more when they have their various number of boyfriends tagging along. I feel so left out. Doesn't mean I want a boyfriend. Heck, I'm better off living when I get to sleep with books. I mean, seriously, if all you care about is the date you're having with your boyfirends, count me out. Or leave me alone at the mall so that I can go check out Chong Hock and Best Eastern.

NOW, THE GREAT NEWS IS, THEY POSTPONED THE PLAN TO NEXT WEEK! YAY! (sarcasm detected)

Sheesh, man. Seriously, Why can't it be just the two of you? I mean, I don't mind if you guys didn't drag me along. And the greater news is (greater sarcasm detected), we're going to watch three movies, in a row! Fuuuuck. No, I;m not eactly a fan of movies. Adn the ticket price is $6, dude! 6 x 3= $18! You expect me to spend $18 just for the movies? You know what their reply was after I said that? They said, in a very btichy tone, "Hello, your parents kan ada."

YOU THINK IT'S THAT EASY TO ASK MONEY FROM MY PARENTS? Ok, it is easy. I can just blurt it out. And they'll give it to me. But not just like that, man. I'm not like you guys, who can ask for bucks without a strike of guilt in your hearts.

And the biggest problem is, you think my parents will let me out? You think my parents are as liberal as your parents? You think my parents are as open-minded as your parents? You think my parents will have the slightest consideration of letting me free, THIS YEAR? It's a cursed year for all three of us, it's the year of O levels. Maybe your parents are ok with it, since it's "still early of the year", but my parents aren't. Besides, our exams aren't exactly in the "end of the year."

I wish I can just scream all this stuff out to them, you know. But nah, lets not ruin this already distant relationship I have with them. That's me. Never showed my true feelings to them. Never did. Never will. Honesty is not in my vocabulary.

Got raisin?

I hate thinking about the future. I don't like to. It scares me to death. Thoughts like, am I going to Uni, am I gonna get a job, how long am I gonna live... seriously, all those just add up to the pressure. I didn't want to think about them, but somehow the surrounding situation keeps on reminding me all about them. I have very low self-motivation and self-confidence and self-esteem and whatevr you can think of. How depressing is this? Will I ever live through them? ...sigh.

Ever since the last few days, my room has turned from a heavenly sanctuary to a living hell. No, it's not the mess made of the papers, clothes and books, but more to homework. I happen to the my homework in my room, WHICH I HATE. Everytime I try to start on my homework, I just started screaming like some hysterical person and ran out of my room. Then, I watched tv, surf on the net and such. Then, I thought I had my mood back, and entered my room. But as soon as I entered my room, the atmosphere was dense. And I forced myself to do the homework. ANd, obviously I can't, so I just started throwing stuff here and there. (one reason why I keep losing my pens.) In the end, I fell asleep. Mind you, it wasn't on purpose. My brain was exhausted from thinking. This usually happens when I do homework that requires thinking. Such as maths, english, economics. Which is why I usually end up doing them in school. Well I feel much more calm, and no it wasn;t because I can copy answers from my friends, but because the time has become limited and my brain will become more active on thinking.

Also, I'm having quite a hectic life. I sleep in the afternoon, struggle on my homework during midnight, yawning like hell in the morning, and back to sleeping in the afternoon and doing homeowrk at midnight. I tried to avoid sleeping in the afternoon and do homework instead, but NOOOO. I can't. It was IMPOSSIBLE. I alwasy feel sleepy in the morning and can only hold it up til the afternoon. So that is why I alwasy cram my homework at night, where the hysteria comes back, or leave them up til morning.

Ah well, we had Kendo today, though we didn't do much Kendo, but more to "spiritual talk". LOL, Jin-senpai was telling us on how to do the cuts correctly and also, taught us some pick-up lines. Yes, he was feeling quite random at that time. Two of em were my favourites. One goes like this:

Boy: Hey, do you have a raisin?
Girl: No.
Boy: Then how about a date?

GET IT? GET IT? XDDDDDDDDDDD

The other one is like this,

Boy approaches girl, but too shy to talk. Then boy shouts, "Fat pigeon!" Girl was surprised, and said "What?" Boy shurgs, "I was trying to think of something to break the ice."

Another pick up line I barely remembered sounded somehting like, "Do you know how it feels like to fall from the sky?" or something. LOL, basically, hahaha. We even heard Jin-senpai talkig in malay. XDDDWeird. Just like Sir Bio. XDD karau, man, karau! "Pandang mataku. Pandang mataku. Jangan pandang orang di belakangku." It sounded like he was reciting a Surah or Hadis with that tone. XD he was trying to translate "Do not break eye contact."

Today's subjects were very dull.

Yay, 3-days hols starting tommorow! (a pile of homework suddenly rained) Oh crap. Sweet mother of the fuckers.

BoredomMmM.

I have a tendency to cry when I am extremely and excessively bored. Why? Because boredom leads to pressure. Pressure leads to negative thoughts. Negative thoughts leads to crying. Crying leads to depression. Depression leads to suicide. No, I haven't and won't go that far. Or maybe. I guess I'm just PMSing.
Yesterday, My parents, sisters and I went to Ahan Thai for dinner. Before that, my parents have already advised all of us to BEHAVE. I tried, but my sisters? NOOOOO. One provok3ed the other, and it led to a shouting match. I was quiet all this time, when my mum suddenly explode and pointed to all our wrongdoings, INCLUDING MINE, who was trying to fucking behave. SEE? I thought this was a normal family outing. BUT NOOO. Of course not. This is my family. Right. I had a stomachache after the dinner which ruins my mood even more. SIGH and me beloved mummy going blablabla. I didn't want to be rude but I just kept quiet the whole time, or my heart is just going to explode.
Today, we went to visit my Lamunin grandma. Another stressful day. I hate going out with my family. It's just so...depressing. No, we don't sing in the car. We don't crack jokes with each other. We don't ask, "How's your day?" No. This is just the oppurtunity for the all of us to get on eachothers' nerve. Because at home, we DON'T spend time with eachother, except during meals. Which are very rare. We only have a family meals when my father's home. As in, when my dad has night shifts (and he comes back in the morning). Gah. I've given hope on having a happy family.

W0oT

I learned some Dusun words today~~~~~hahaha

Grandfather- Inni (no it's not a typo. It is Inni.)
Grandmother- Yadu
Father- Yapa (lol reminds me of Kappa XDD)
Mother- Ina

I even joked that I'm gonna start calling my parents Yapa and Ina. It's sooo strange. XD I asked this since I was always confused, on my dad's side, I only have my grandfather left, which we call Ni Aki, and our late grandma, we called her Mama Aji. Don't ask why, we have no idea. But on my mother's side, I have three grandparents. One grandfather and two grandmothers. No, my grandpa did not married twice, the other grandmother is the sister to my mother's mother, whom we visit more frequently, since mum was given to her when she was a baby, due to their financial issues. Since all we ever said like, "Babu, ke mana ni? Nini lamunin(real grandma's sister) or nini yang...babu punya babu or nini laki yg babu punya babah?" See...very confusing. SO now, since I know the dusun(ese?) terms, I shall hereby call Nini lamunin as Yadu Lamunin, and my actual grandparents as Inni and Yadu. Not that I ever actually call them anyway. The last time I saw them was during my uncle's wedding. Just went to them, salam-salam, and went away. We have no idea at all. Yes, my family and I are more closer to Yadu Lamunin *tries to stiffle a laugh* then our actual Inni and Yadu.

BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE!!!
*does another chicken dance*

Chicken Dance.

*did the chicken dance*

I have no idea why I kept on doing that dance today. It's freaking me out too. Must be the result of the trauma of humiliation that got me doing it as a punishment during PE. lol. Well, PE was seriously fun today. Tiring, as usual, but fun. The reverse psychology quite worked on me during the swinging arm practice. Ck. Mizah made us imagine that she's holding some ferocipus dogs that will be released if we ran too slow. I was running alright, and in my imagination, I wasn't running away. I was running back to the closest place where I can get some chainsaw and tear those mutts apart. And during the bubble game, we were told to get motivated and stuff, so as my head was thinking...I set up a plot on what to to with my kitty's murderer. I'm going to catche them, then torture them (Akumane-sama, please bless me with ideas of torture), and when the finally die due to pressure, I'll feed them to the monitor lizard. Oh yeah, there are 5 dogs in total, so surely the monitor lizard will have more than enopugh for one meal. I;m sure that the lizard will feel too lazy to move so I'll kill it, too. Then, like my maid suggested, I should give the monitor lizard meat to some filipinos passing by, because, according to my maid, filipinos like monitor lizard meat. So, overall, it's a win-win situation for me and the filipinos since there will be no more monitor lizards and dogs, and the filipinos will get their meat, for free. Of course, to the dogs' owner, dogs and monitor lizard, it's the lse-lose situation, but what the hell do I care. Go to hell, you damn creatures of hell. Thank you for making me feel so damn sadistic right now. No, I am not over it yet. gah. Fuck it.

Ah well, overall it was quite a peaceful day.

untitled

I freaked out and broke down just now so I didn't manage to finish the previous post. I'm still teary-eyed right now, while plotting on how to punish the goddamned dogs. I want a rifle, or a machine gun, so that I can shoot those stray bitches, but I know we need to go some license and other crap to carry them around, and that will take a long time finish. So I was thinking on how to kill them from a close range, and I had this idea of purchasing poison darts from the natives or something. I WANT TO KILL THEM. Why? They killed all my rabbits and my cats. 0% survivors.
I even urged my dad to kill them before I ran into my room, before my tears were exposed. Someone has to kill them, I want to avenge my poor pets. I want to kill them. I wish I'm brave enough. I have this image in my head where I manaeged to shoot them and then stabbed them many times with blood splattering on my face. I don't give a crap about the haram to touch. I can always clean myself after that.
I wish Brunei has a dog-catching agency or whatever. So that they can catch stray dogs and kill them or whatever. I don't give a shit about that. I just want my Mama-chan back.
Now I understand how hard it is to move on. When my grandma, aunt and uncle passed away, I thought, 'Oh wow....they're gone. They're never gonna come back. Forever.' But I never shed a tear at their funerals. Just felt vey very heavy-hearted and sad. But I didn't cry. And right now, I'm crying because my cats are dead. It was all of a sudden. Yesterday, I was still rolling in the sand with them. Today, they're gone. When my father broke the news to me, I was shocked. Speechless. Dumbfounded. Throw in any synonyms you can think of. Then I went back here, to the PC and thought that 'I'm fine...I'm fine...' and continued to read some online comic. When suddenly, I started sobbing.
This is a first to me. I thought al this "shock and breakdown" only happens in movies and books, but now I know how it feels. I've had mama-chan since I was 9. And that was like...7 years ago. She was my only tame cat, my oldest cat, mother to the other cats. Which is why her name is Mama. Mama-chan. I love her so much. She was also pregnant when she was murdered by the damn dogs. I even wrote a list of names for her litter-to-be.
I want a cat. But not just any cat. I want a cat that looks exactly like Mama-chan. Brownish black fur, yellow eyes, small, with a cute short tail., crooked at the end. I miss Mama-shan already.
I regret not letting her into the house last night. I regret not giving my full attention to her. I regret not giving her all the food she wants. omg i;m starting to cry again,.. I;m out.

R.I.P Mama-chan and Shiro-chan

I can not believe I am crying right now. This is the first time I'm crying over a death, as in really, really crying. Both my cats are dead, Mama-chan and Shiro-chan.

Lollercopter.

My autistic brother is such a sadist. Really. He enjoys abusing his fingers by 'kapit'-ing it between doors, he enjoys getting his arms pinched (by others) and he enjoys gaining the symphaty from it. Everytime after crushing his fingers and stuff, he'll come to ME (yes, me) ONLY. Not my mum, not my dad, not the others. No, I am not happy with the honour of blowing at his fingers. Oh, did I mention that when he abuses himself, all he does is laugh? Yeah. And he'll be even happier if I apply lotion on it. He even took the lotion himself. WTF..

I am just amazed by the creativity of his mind on how to gain attention. Well, at least, he doesn't bang his head or step on his little brother or bite his arm anymore. The scar is still there too, as he's been biting his arm whenever he gets angry since who knows when. Sometime ago, he even likes to smash bottles, yes only bottles, regardless of what they're made of, and then run away laughing. Most of the time, the bottles happen to be mine. Which is why, currently, EVERYTHING in my room is sealed away from his eyes. Except for some unavoidable stuff. Like my bed...cupboard.

And I thought having this brother is troublesome enough, but then, when I listened to my maid's stories, whoa. There happens to be this other kid (obviously autistic), at my brother's school who abuses himself more than my brother. Every single day, whenever he arrives ata school, the first thing he wants to do is swimming. But since his maid doesn't want him to 'masuk angin', of course he wasn't allowed to. And because of that, he bangs and scratches his head like hell, and cry, of course. He also has a huge wound due to the scratching and banging. His maid who is small and frail, almost 60, can do nothing more but ask others for help. I tell you, he has a VERY VERY strong grip. Even my maid, who is much younger and stronger than his, can not stand him. I really pity this people. Moreover, the father of the boy doesn't want anyone else to scream/shout/threaten him except for the father himslef. And the mother LOVES the son very much, preventing further 'development for the better' to occur. SIGH

Sometimes i'm even confused of my brother's sense of pain. Like I said, he used to bite himself, bang his head, and currently likes to pinch his arms, but all he does is laugh. Yeah, laugh. My maid even once said that he stepped on glass, without the slightest pain. But he's very very scared of hot and sharp stuff. Like knives, fire. Which is why, at his school, during activity time, which required them to cook some simple food, he'd go away cowering in the corner. Refusing to go anywhere near heat. And since he likes cold, he gets the idea that if he switches off his lights when he's in his room, he gets an even cooler feel. I have always been wondering of where he got that idea from. I mean, it did get cooler when the lights are off, right?

GO GO BRAIN POWER

Random fact about my brother: HE FEARS HIS YOUNGER BROTHER.

Ok, not exactly a random fact, 'cos almost all of us fears our youngest brother. He is so nasty. He dares to bite and hit people. For fun. OMG MY FAMILY IS FILLED WITH SADISTIC PEOPLE. *cough*likeme*cough*

Ittai~

Pure, 100% pain on my legs after today's circuit training. I think they're gonna hurt more tomorrow. I am so sure. And we have A.Maths test tommorow. *sigh* Today, we had completed four tests, Bio, MIB, Chem and PE fitness test (or something like that). Bio was okay, I mean, I didn't expect it to be as hard as they said, but I'm not saying that I'll be getting good marks for it since I didn't revise that much, I slept half-way through. (NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT REVISE ON BED) Just answered the questions by memory. Or what was left of it. MIB was full of crap. We had to write two essays and both of them were very very....gah crappy. PE, like I said, the circuit training, which consist of shuttle runs, body curls, push-ups, sit-ups, squatting and lunges which tortues my legs more than ever. We had Chem test half-an-hour after that and obviously, I didn't give it a 100% effort. Seriously, I was mentally and physically tired. We had to climb three storeys up. I was lucky to even be able to stand. I wouldn't be surprised if I failed Chem, or even bio for that matter, and also maths D! Gahhhhh. OK, at least i passed Economics. (92.5% baby!) But. But. Oh well, looking at the bright side, we only have three more teststo go. Oh crap. What. Three more? This is really stressing. At least during the exams they don't cram everything up in one day! *soB8 and I also have a story to finish. *sobsob*

I can't stand it

Really, really can't. I cannot stand another minute of studying. Which is why right now I am in front of the PC. I know tommorow we have three tests, but I decided to rest my brain before I go nuts. Yeah, after only half an hour fo studying. Heck, I wasn't even studying I was just......"shortening" some chem notes while daydreaming. I was practically dragging my pen around on the paper...doodling...scribbling...those stuff ya'know. Ant then, when i was just about to start on bio, (sorry to say, sir) I was truly in no mood to study at all. Seriously, there are so many topics to read and understand....I know I should've started my revisions earlier..butbutbut.. just can't. In the end, I just witched on my laptop and watched Tsubasa no Oreta Tenshitachi, just to note down some japanese phrases. YES, SUDDENLY I WAS IN THE MOOD TO STUDY. The language of course. The language. After that, I am finally here. In front of the PC. Gosh, I feel so guilty leaving the textbooks behind....but I just can not flip through another page. Maybe I will after this, after regaining some energy and mood. Yeah, like it or not, it's either studying or harakiri. haha wish me luck

Oh yeah, I NEED A JOB. I really really do. Why? BEcause I am really really tired of asking my dad for money. I am really really tired of listening to my mum complaining when I asked her for money. Moreover, dad has already spent over a $100 for me, just for this year. And it's only Feb. ALl those money for comics, kendo stuff...gahh. And there's this new comic I want to buy. Obviously, I WILL NOT ask Dad for money. On that faithful day, I went to Best Eastern adn saw Zig Zag. OF COURSE I WANT TO BUY ITTTTTT. BUt no, I just had to resist the temptation until I get back home where I can beat up my closet as usual. Seriously, I just can;t open my mouth to ask dad for money. I almost run out of my own savings too. SOemtimes dad forgot to give me my lunch money..so I would usually end up using my own money and therefore it is running out. Currently, I have less than $10 in the piggy bank. I did tell my dad this afternoon that I need a job, a part-time job (and I was serious about it) and he said I can just wash the cars every weekend, $2 per car. And we have 4 cars...so basically, in a month, I can earn $32!! Oh sweet sweet comics, here I come. But then, my dad says, "Don't worry. Just focus on studying. Money, babah saja uruskan." I was thinking like...waaaait. That somehow tells me that I can't buy comics since he's the one managing the money. Or does it mean I can ask for money anytime I want as long as I get good grades? Errr....it was confusing. After that, he offered to buy me easi, some drinks...food...which I rejected since before that I made a promise to myslef that I will not ask money for unnecesarry things (EXCLUDING COMICS). The thing is, I haven't paid my school fees and I know that is an IMPORTANT thing. But I really don't know how to ask. I really don't wanna see that undescribable look onmy dad's face. GAHHHH see why I need a job now??????? But the again, even if do have a job...who'd wanna hire me? And time management? Psssh. O levels. Gah.

SOmetimes I wish I was a 5-years-old again, so that whenever I don;t get anything I want I can just I can just wail and whine and scream and lie on the floor without any humiliation. I mean, c'mon, after observing my sis...one teardrop gave her a huge set of toys. WTF is thatttt??? It pisses me off, not because of jealousy...but because of ruining to so-called happy family trip, because it gies my parents the "bad mood". Sheesh.