I have a tendency to cry when I am extremely and excessively bored. Why? Because boredom leads to pressure. Pressure leads to negative thoughts. Negative thoughts leads to crying. Crying leads to depression. Depression leads to suicide. No, I haven't and won't go that far. Or maybe. I guess I'm just PMSing.
Yesterday, My parents, sisters and I went to Ahan Thai for dinner. Before that, my parents have already advised all of us to BEHAVE. I tried, but my sisters? NOOOOO. One provok3ed the other, and it led to a shouting match. I was quiet all this time, when my mum suddenly explode and pointed to all our wrongdoings, INCLUDING MINE, who was trying to fucking behave. SEE? I thought this was a normal family outing. BUT NOOO. Of course not. This is my family. Right. I had a stomachache after the dinner which ruins my mood even more. SIGH and me beloved mummy going blablabla. I didn't want to be rude but I just kept quiet the whole time, or my heart is just going to explode.
Today, we went to visit my Lamunin grandma. Another stressful day. I hate going out with my family. It's just so...depressing. No, we don't sing in the car. We don't crack jokes with each other. We don't ask, "How's your day?" No. This is just the oppurtunity for the all of us to get on eachothers' nerve. Because at home, we DON'T spend time with eachother, except during meals. Which are very rare. We only have a family meals when my father's home. As in, when my dad has night shifts (and he comes back in the morning). Gah. I've given hope on having a happy family.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
W0oT
I learned some Dusun words today~~~~~hahaha
Grandfather- Inni (no it's not a typo. It is Inni.)
Grandmother- Yadu
Father- Yapa (lol reminds me of Kappa XDD)
Mother- Ina
I even joked that I'm gonna start calling my parents Yapa and Ina. It's sooo strange. XD I asked this since I was always confused, on my dad's side, I only have my grandfather left, which we call Ni Aki, and our late grandma, we called her Mama Aji. Don't ask why, we have no idea. But on my mother's side, I have three grandparents. One grandfather and two grandmothers. No, my grandpa did not married twice, the other grandmother is the sister to my mother's mother, whom we visit more frequently, since mum was given to her when she was a baby, due to their financial issues. Since all we ever said like, "Babu, ke mana ni? Nini lamunin(real grandma's sister) or nini yang...babu punya babu or nini laki yg babu punya babah?" See...very confusing. SO now, since I know the dusun(ese?) terms, I shall hereby call Nini lamunin as Yadu Lamunin, and my actual grandparents as Inni and Yadu. Not that I ever actually call them anyway. The last time I saw them was during my uncle's wedding. Just went to them, salam-salam, and went away. We have no idea at all. Yes, my family and I are more closer to Yadu Lamunin *tries to stiffle a laugh* then our actual Inni and Yadu.
BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE!!!
*does another chicken dance*
Grandfather- Inni (no it's not a typo. It is Inni.)
Grandmother- Yadu
Father- Yapa (lol reminds me of Kappa XDD)
Mother- Ina
I even joked that I'm gonna start calling my parents Yapa and Ina. It's sooo strange. XD I asked this since I was always confused, on my dad's side, I only have my grandfather left, which we call Ni Aki, and our late grandma, we called her Mama Aji. Don't ask why, we have no idea. But on my mother's side, I have three grandparents. One grandfather and two grandmothers. No, my grandpa did not married twice, the other grandmother is the sister to my mother's mother, whom we visit more frequently, since mum was given to her when she was a baby, due to their financial issues. Since all we ever said like, "Babu, ke mana ni? Nini lamunin(real grandma's sister) or nini yang...babu punya babu or nini laki yg babu punya babah?" See...very confusing. SO now, since I know the dusun(ese?) terms, I shall hereby call Nini lamunin as Yadu Lamunin, and my actual grandparents as Inni and Yadu. Not that I ever actually call them anyway. The last time I saw them was during my uncle's wedding. Just went to them, salam-salam, and went away. We have no idea at all. Yes, my family and I are more closer to Yadu Lamunin *tries to stiffle a laugh* then our actual Inni and Yadu.
BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE!!!
*does another chicken dance*
Chicken Dance.
*did the chicken dance*
I have no idea why I kept on doing that dance today. It's freaking me out too. Must be the result of the trauma of humiliation that got me doing it as a punishment during PE. lol. Well, PE was seriously fun today. Tiring, as usual, but fun. The reverse psychology quite worked on me during the swinging arm practice. Ck. Mizah made us imagine that she's holding some ferocipus dogs that will be released if we ran too slow. I was running alright, and in my imagination, I wasn't running away. I was running back to the closest place where I can get some chainsaw and tear those mutts apart. And during the bubble game, we were told to get motivated and stuff, so as my head was thinking...I set up a plot on what to to with my kitty's murderer. I'm going to catche them, then torture them (Akumane-sama, please bless me with ideas of torture), and when the finally die due to pressure, I'll feed them to the monitor lizard. Oh yeah, there are 5 dogs in total, so surely the monitor lizard will have more than enopugh for one meal. I;m sure that the lizard will feel too lazy to move so I'll kill it, too. Then, like my maid suggested, I should give the monitor lizard meat to some filipinos passing by, because, according to my maid, filipinos like monitor lizard meat. So, overall, it's a win-win situation for me and the filipinos since there will be no more monitor lizards and dogs, and the filipinos will get their meat, for free. Of course, to the dogs' owner, dogs and monitor lizard, it's the lse-lose situation, but what the hell do I care. Go to hell, you damn creatures of hell. Thank you for making me feel so damn sadistic right now. No, I am not over it yet. gah. Fuck it.
Ah well, overall it was quite a peaceful day.
I have no idea why I kept on doing that dance today. It's freaking me out too. Must be the result of the trauma of humiliation that got me doing it as a punishment during PE. lol. Well, PE was seriously fun today. Tiring, as usual, but fun. The reverse psychology quite worked on me during the swinging arm practice. Ck. Mizah made us imagine that she's holding some ferocipus dogs that will be released if we ran too slow. I was running alright, and in my imagination, I wasn't running away. I was running back to the closest place where I can get some chainsaw and tear those mutts apart. And during the bubble game, we were told to get motivated and stuff, so as my head was thinking...I set up a plot on what to to with my kitty's murderer. I'm going to catche them, then torture them (Akumane-sama, please bless me with ideas of torture), and when the finally die due to pressure, I'll feed them to the monitor lizard. Oh yeah, there are 5 dogs in total, so surely the monitor lizard will have more than enopugh for one meal. I;m sure that the lizard will feel too lazy to move so I'll kill it, too. Then, like my maid suggested, I should give the monitor lizard meat to some filipinos passing by, because, according to my maid, filipinos like monitor lizard meat. So, overall, it's a win-win situation for me and the filipinos since there will be no more monitor lizards and dogs, and the filipinos will get their meat, for free. Of course, to the dogs' owner, dogs and monitor lizard, it's the lse-lose situation, but what the hell do I care. Go to hell, you damn creatures of hell. Thank you for making me feel so damn sadistic right now. No, I am not over it yet. gah. Fuck it.
Ah well, overall it was quite a peaceful day.
Monday, February 12, 2007
untitled
I freaked out and broke down just now so I didn't manage to finish the previous post. I'm still teary-eyed right now, while plotting on how to punish the goddamned dogs. I want a rifle, or a machine gun, so that I can shoot those stray bitches, but I know we need to go some license and other crap to carry them around, and that will take a long time finish. So I was thinking on how to kill them from a close range, and I had this idea of purchasing poison darts from the natives or something. I WANT TO KILL THEM. Why? They killed all my rabbits and my cats. 0% survivors.
I even urged my dad to kill them before I ran into my room, before my tears were exposed. Someone has to kill them, I want to avenge my poor pets. I want to kill them. I wish I'm brave enough. I have this image in my head where I manaeged to shoot them and then stabbed them many times with blood splattering on my face. I don't give a crap about the haram to touch. I can always clean myself after that.
I wish Brunei has a dog-catching agency or whatever. So that they can catch stray dogs and kill them or whatever. I don't give a shit about that. I just want my Mama-chan back.
Now I understand how hard it is to move on. When my grandma, aunt and uncle passed away, I thought, 'Oh wow....they're gone. They're never gonna come back. Forever.' But I never shed a tear at their funerals. Just felt vey very heavy-hearted and sad. But I didn't cry. And right now, I'm crying because my cats are dead. It was all of a sudden. Yesterday, I was still rolling in the sand with them. Today, they're gone. When my father broke the news to me, I was shocked. Speechless. Dumbfounded. Throw in any synonyms you can think of. Then I went back here, to the PC and thought that 'I'm fine...I'm fine...' and continued to read some online comic. When suddenly, I started sobbing.
This is a first to me. I thought al this "shock and breakdown" only happens in movies and books, but now I know how it feels. I've had mama-chan since I was 9. And that was like...7 years ago. She was my only tame cat, my oldest cat, mother to the other cats. Which is why her name is Mama. Mama-chan. I love her so much. She was also pregnant when she was murdered by the damn dogs. I even wrote a list of names for her litter-to-be.
I want a cat. But not just any cat. I want a cat that looks exactly like Mama-chan. Brownish black fur, yellow eyes, small, with a cute short tail., crooked at the end. I miss Mama-shan already.
I regret not letting her into the house last night. I regret not giving my full attention to her. I regret not giving her all the food she wants. omg i;m starting to cry again,.. I;m out.
I even urged my dad to kill them before I ran into my room, before my tears were exposed. Someone has to kill them, I want to avenge my poor pets. I want to kill them. I wish I'm brave enough. I have this image in my head where I manaeged to shoot them and then stabbed them many times with blood splattering on my face. I don't give a crap about the haram to touch. I can always clean myself after that.
I wish Brunei has a dog-catching agency or whatever. So that they can catch stray dogs and kill them or whatever. I don't give a shit about that. I just want my Mama-chan back.
Now I understand how hard it is to move on. When my grandma, aunt and uncle passed away, I thought, 'Oh wow....they're gone. They're never gonna come back. Forever.' But I never shed a tear at their funerals. Just felt vey very heavy-hearted and sad. But I didn't cry. And right now, I'm crying because my cats are dead. It was all of a sudden. Yesterday, I was still rolling in the sand with them. Today, they're gone. When my father broke the news to me, I was shocked. Speechless. Dumbfounded. Throw in any synonyms you can think of. Then I went back here, to the PC and thought that 'I'm fine...I'm fine...' and continued to read some online comic. When suddenly, I started sobbing.
This is a first to me. I thought al this "shock and breakdown" only happens in movies and books, but now I know how it feels. I've had mama-chan since I was 9. And that was like...7 years ago. She was my only tame cat, my oldest cat, mother to the other cats. Which is why her name is Mama. Mama-chan. I love her so much. She was also pregnant when she was murdered by the damn dogs. I even wrote a list of names for her litter-to-be.
I want a cat. But not just any cat. I want a cat that looks exactly like Mama-chan. Brownish black fur, yellow eyes, small, with a cute short tail., crooked at the end. I miss Mama-shan already.
I regret not letting her into the house last night. I regret not giving my full attention to her. I regret not giving her all the food she wants. omg i;m starting to cry again,.. I;m out.
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