Breakdown

Yeah, I had a certain breakdown early last December. I know it's not really worth it mentioning it right now, but, this blog is where I write so that I can continue on remembering even the painful memories, even if I don't want to. Yeah, talk about emotional self-abuse.

Anyways, surely many of you MA4s 2006 remember the talk at the end of the year about the class promotion and retention. Yeah, the said those who failed the EOYs had to go. Obviously, I failed my EOYs, though I passed the average total marks. They weren't able to confirm who are to be retained (and eventually, to be kicked out from MS, since MS has this no-retention policy and stuff) since they just sent the results to MOE.

You had no idea how depressed I was. The following week was filled with sleepless nights and tears. I mean, I don't mind dropping out of MS voluntarily, but well, the humiliation that might beset on my parents just....depresses me even more. Just think about that look that I ALWAYS see on my mother's face, and times ten to that. Just imagining it hurts alot. ANd what about my dad? Not that he's ever been exactly proud of me or anything, but no way did I wanted to disappoint him.

Just the day after the talk, my father took me out with my brother. He was kinda in a happy mood, and well, talked about how I'm going to be doing o levels next year (as in, this year) and hoped that I'd pass with flying colours and continue overseas. I cried. I mean, he didn't see my crying, I tried to hide the fact that the guilt was totally getting into me.

Somehow, the next day, I was again out with my dad, now with my sister. We passed...Dee Jay, I think, when he said, "Do you want a PS2? tell me how many you want, 2, 3, just say it!" I know he was joking but somehow, I cried again, yeah, because of the guilt and depression. I cried when we exited Hua Ho, looking athe the back-to-school promotion, I cired when I was alone in my room, and I cried almost evrytime the thoughts of seeing my parents' expression after knowing the results. I cried all the time.

Then, things got a little better after that, I stopped thinking about the retention-promotion thing, and totally gave up. I tried to focus on other things, like buying comics, DVDs, hanging out at the mall, anything not related to school. I started to think, "I've got a month to go until the results are coming out! Lets just enjoy the moment, and then cry your heart out, cut your wrist and start smoking when you're retained." I didn't give a shit about life anymore at that time.

Fortunately, now school re-opens, and good news is I'm not retained. The only bad news is we had to move to an unair-conditioned room. I'd sometime complain about the heat, but thinking back about my breakdown the last month, I at least felt a little grateful. But I'm not 100% happy, because...someone might possibly be retained. Not me, but someone close to me. That thought alone already makes me feel unhappy.